Decisions, Decisions

Another guest blogger

this blog took me ages 2 write down.. i was already thinkin a few weeks ago that i should finally write a new one again but i just didnt found the right words. but finally, finally i found a really good reason n the right words as well...

like some of u may know have i been in a emotional desaster lately.. i've been through a lot of ups n downs and i honestly have 2 say that it wasnt that easy 2 handle like it seemed.. first i was much more than happy that i was finally done with all this cancer crap.. got some good news that i was almost done with chemo.. i mean 2 more chemos 2 go isnt that bad.. so last monday i started chemo again.. i wa supposed 2 stay in hopital for 4 days this time.. i know what u might think now.. "well doesnt sound that much this time so it cant b that bad.." but peeps u have 2 know that the more shorter it was this time the more harder have been my chemodrugs.. it was really pushin me down this time but somehow i always found a way back up after everydays at least 8 hour session..

side effects like nausea hit me up really bad.. tuesday night i thought i would die.. i didnt even sleep cuz i needed 2 throw up nearly every 30 minutes.. after the 15th time throwin up i simply stoped counting.. my stomach started hurting really bad n one time again my heart become really weak.. maybe the second reason why i couldnt sleep.. i really think that its another reason cuz i was simply scared that i would almost pass away again, like i almost did 3 times before as i got my monstersession how i call them.. i've absolutly no clue why my heart isnt able 2 take all the drugs wich suddenly should help me 2 get better even if i have 2 go through hell before.. anyways that wasnt the only thing wich got more and more worse 4 me in the last week...
it also got more hard 4 me 2 breathe.. first i thought "that isnt that bad christina, maybe u r just exhausted from fighting.." well truely understandable that i thought that first cuz i really have been through hell over and over again the last weeks and month.. but my docs have become really worried and so they did some tests ( x-rays, bloodtests, CTscans n all that stuff ) i felt really uncomfortable cuz i didnt know what they thought it would be.. i just could read in their faces that it couldnt be something good.. i was so worried.. and i was allowed 2 be worried cuz of that.. well they did the test on wednesday n i got the results of that on friday.. they told me that my lung got attact with another sarcoma.. i truely dont wanted believe what ive just been told n so i asked if they r kidding me.. but sadly they havent been kidding me :S they said that they r goin 2 add 4 more chemos and that it might be fixed then.. i thought fine.. doesnt sound that bad.. 4 more chemos thats nearly nothing after everything i already faced in the past and so i was just happy that it wasnt "that bad" ...

cuz they had some trouble in the laboratoy i couldnt get the results of me blood test on friday.. and so i got them yesterday.. i went to my doc really happy cuz i thought everythign is goin on well.. drugs r workin n i was suppsed 2 go home.. but i've learned that u shouldnt be to optimisic when u r about 2 get the results of ur bloodtest -.-'
as soon i went into the room i formally could feel that somthing isn't right.. there was just something in the air.. so i sat down n asked the doc "whats wrong?? why r u looking so upset??" the room was filled with silence.. after arround 2 min ( wich seemed like 2 ages to me ) he finally looked up to me n started telling me that my medicatons stoped working for a reason they didnt found out until now.. ( u need 2 know that it was already the second time where they stoped working n we already changed them a couple of weeks ago ) i got a lumb in my throat, my eyes were filled with tears but i tried 2 hold them back as good as i could in that situatioin, i didnt know what 2 say i was just shocked that it happend again... then he continued telling me that they wouldnt have any idea what to do next and so they faced me with the hardest decision a human is ever able 2 be faced with...
i've been told that i would have 2 opportunities.. number 1 would be: stop the treatment and gettin rid of all the suffering and being able 2 enjoy the last 6 month i would have untill i'm gone... number 2 would be: continue the treatment getting much more chemo and another round of different drugs wich they are normally not usin for leukemia patients cuz its a really rough medication.. wich still doesnt mean that i'll make it though.... so i've been faced with dying happy within 6 month or dyin full of pain and even more suffering within 2 years... i've been so shocked that i couldnt say the tiniest word anymore.. my eyes started burnin cuz there were already overfilled with tears.. i just wanted 2 get outta the room.. so i just got up n went out.. my doc asked me what i wanna do n i just said i need a bit time 2 think about everything..
and well here i am now.. sitting alone at home cuddling my doc n asking god if its fair or not.. well i really dont have any idea what 2 do.. cuz a 21 year old woman shouldnt worry about how long she will b on earth, she shouldnt have 2 pick #1 or #2 (doesnt matter wich # i'm goin 2 pick cuz my life will totally change again) its not the right time for a 21 year old 2 worry about stuff like that!! normally i should worry about whom i'm goin 2 date or what i'm goin 2 wear or how i'm goin 2 do my hair but not about how long she wanna stay n wich way might be the right way.. i'm sitting here in tears right now cuz i just wanna wake up outta this nightmare.. dont know but somehow its like a slap right into my face cuz it's like i've been fightin so long for nothing.. it seems like it have been a waste of time... just the fact that i'm goin 2 die doesnt matter wich option i'm goin 2 take is truely killin me.. there's so much stuff popin up in my head.. so many what if questions but most of all i'm worryin what others r thinkin about the decision i'm goin 2 take.. i´m scared that they r goin 2 blame me for "givin up", scared that i´m goin 2 break so much hearts out there, scared that i'm goin 2 lose more loved ones and friends like i already did at the beginnin of this journey...
on the one hand i really wanna fight until the bitter end but on the other hand i dont want 2 suffer that much anymore... its just a freakishly weird feeling wich is overcomin me since a couple of hours... and the fact that i'm facin a decision like that alone without any support of my family doesnt really make it easier.. cuz this is exactly one of those moments where u just wanna have ur mom around.. but i know that that will never happen cuz she just doesnt care..

anyways i just hope that i'm goin 2 take the right decision.. cuz like i already said i dont wanna dissapoint someone with the decision i'm goin 2 choose.....
decision over decision n it seems like there wont be an end so far...

"when i would have 3 wishes, the the only one would be NO MORE CANCER!!!!!" - by my own

about the blogger:
christina is a 21 year old cancer fighter who got diagnosed with ALL leukemia in december 2009. she's fighting the fight of her life all by her own without any support of her family or friends...
u can follow her journey here : http://justchristinah.jimdo.com/
http://just-christinah.livejournal.com/
http://twitter.com/justchristinah