The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com

I have a tale to tell

Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well

Lyrics from a Madonna song "Live to Tell" one of my favorite songs of hers.  Very appropriate I think as a cancer survivor.  It took a long time for me to tell my story.  Vic and I talked about telling my story on The Vic McCarty show, and I wanted to but I was afraid to, it was hard to open up after every thing I have been going through.  I wasn't used to talk about myself to anyone, let alone talk about a disease that scares the hell out of everyone.  Now  its hard to get me not to talk about it.

I have often written about how lucky I am.  I believe everyone can be in the right place at the right time.  Somehow I was in the right place at the right time and I am doing a podcast on Empoweradio.com.  I have only done three so far and I have learned alot from the people I have interviewed.

Everyone's cancer experience is different, meds treat people differently, side effects, psychological and physical effects.   Not everyone is comfortable sharing their story.  That is fine, I can understand that, there are still some aspects of my cancer experience that is too personal to share.

That is the great thing about my new show. I can find people to tell their tale, share their experience and help other survivors and cancer fighters who are going through similar situations. I have learned about perserverance, strength and courage from all of the guests I have had on the show.

 Their stories have helped me and I hope that they will help you as well.

Every survivor has a story.

What's yours?

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty show Monday-Friday 10am-Noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now.

Tug of war

I have been thinking about blogging about this for a while now.

Many things have happened recently that have made me want to put fingers to the keyboard.  If you are a constant reader of this blog then you know a good friend of mine passed away from cancer recently.  It has been hard to say the least.  Add to that the mountain of debt that keeps getting larger, chemo brain, which frustrates the shit out of me, I don't knowing what I want to say but not having my brain fire synapses correctly, neuropathy, having to take x amount of pills at so and so times, etc, etc, etc.

Some days I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill.

My mind is alway working constantly, either thinking about work, or advocacy, or how I can help someone out, hockey, whatever,  it doesn't shut off.  You could look at me and see me sitting calmly at work at the computer or talking on the air, my brain is constantly thinking, (yeah I know I just said I have chemo brain, comes and goes, like the mogwai in the movie Gremlins, don't get it wet, don't feed it after midnight, if only it was that easy to predict when it would kick in)

I battle constantly with this, all rolling around in my head like many tornadoes.  Its frustrating.  No wonder I don't know how to relax.

Yeah you read that right.  I don't know how to relax

I can sit still but I can't relax.  I can't really sleep either  I can't sleep unless I am medicated, I have a mouthguard in at night so I don't grind the shit out of my teeth. 

You know when people get a massage they get all relaxed and go to that happy place, maybe even fall asleep, I don't.   I used to, but I don't know what happened.  I have gotten some great massages here, and they have worked out knots and tension in my muscles.  But I can't relax during the massage.  I don't know why.

I did the reeling and healing midwest program for cancer survivors, a 2 day fly fishing retreat close to where I live.  I know you are thinking what the hell does fly fishing have to do with cancer.  Well let me tell you.  It does help you relax, standing in the water there, with your guide, and nature.  I figured out how to relax.

Unfortunately I can't take the stream and all of nature with me all the time.  Yes the program is totally awesome, and I would recommend it in a heartbeat,and it helped me, but not being able to relax is something I am trying to overcome.

I found a brochure for a pilates program that a local studio was putting on.  It was for breast cancer survivors, designed by a survivor.  It was free, I called, they had to wait for enough participants before they could start the class.

So a few weeks later there I was in class with 3 other survivors, all at various stages of survivorship,all of us were well past surgery.  

We were all there not knowing what to expect.

It was an eight week mat class, doing various exercises to strengthen the core and the muscles around where women would have had mastectomies, lumpectomies and lymph node removal.

Now I wouldn't have thought that something that may look like to the average person, a bunch of simple stretches would have any kind of impact on me, except for maybe getting a little toned.


But it did. 

I have written before about my constant struggle with depression, yes I am on meds, but sometimes the mind can over come the meds, a tug of war in my head, dealing with the many mini tornadoes in my head and just survivorship of everyday. 

I do maintain a positive mental attitude

But some days are harder than others.


Doing the pink ribbon pilates program with the other survivors helped me to find my comfort zone within my self.  Lets face it having cancer  and survivorship takes you completely way out of your comfort zone.


But with pilates it has forced me back in.


And helped me to relax...


A little more than before.


That is something I still need to work on, but I am slowly chipping away at that stone.


I found this quote and I will leave you with it:

Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.
Ezra Taft Benson


 Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-Noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on itunes.
 

Believe it or not its just me

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON STUPID CANCER.COM

Why can’t cancer come with a manual? Maybe it does and someone just lost it, like that guy in the tv show from the eighties “The Greatest American Hero.” If you don’t remember the show it is about a guy who gets a superman type suit from a ufo (yes you read that right) and lost the manual to the suit, left it in the desert.
Things sure would be easier if I had a manual. I recall one person, who I haven’t seen in a while, commented on how good I looked, if I working out, nope, cancer is the best diet ever I exclaimed! I wonder if that would be in the book. The manual would have chapters on nausea, fatigue, although most of us would be too sleepy to read it, chemo brain, that one I would probably have to read over and over again, forgetting that I had already read it. Chapters on baldness, what to eat, what not to eat, and just dealing with life after cancer, that is the hardest part for me, that everyone expects you to be exactly the same, and on the outside you may look the same but you feel completely different. Cancer Sucks.
So if you are out somewhere and you find the manual, make me a copy, ok?

Mel is the producer of the Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday thru Friday 10am-noon eastern on www.wmktthetalkstation.com

This is your brain after being on drugs

Recently I had a routine follow up appointment to the Oncologist. I equate these checkups to getting your car looked at, just change the oil, look under the hood, you know that kind of thing. It was my second appointment since finishing up herceptin and getting my port surgically removed. As a cancer survivor there is always that thought in the back of your mind that yes it could come back, but you go through your days and weeks keeping that thought at bay, filling time with the regular routine of life. Back to the appointment, after a blood draw that afternoon and an exam the news was good, see you in six months. Gotta love those kind of appointments.


I just got a book in the mail called "Your Brain After Chemo." I got it because the publisher saw my blog and wanted me to talk about it here, I just started reading it and the author and I have a similar cancer background. I told the publisher I will have them on the Vic McCarty show, I gather that the cancer survivors who listen to the show have what is commonly referred to as ChemoBrain. I have blogged about this quite often, because it is the most annoying side effect that I have. I usually have a great memory, but chemo brain takes away from that, it is like trying to find a file on your computer, you know its there, you can see it on the desktop, but cannot access it, or you forget where you put things, you see things like that. I know this book will have some good tips on helping me with my memory. Some days are better than others. Some days it doesn't bother me at all, other days I struggle to find the simplest thing that I should know (I am a trivia hound, I have more useless info stored in my head than most people.)

I know as I read more it will give me more insight and tips. Why am hoping that this will help?
Because when I went shopping the other day I was putting the groceries away and later found I put the ziploc bags in the fridge. I am glad I didn't put the fish we bought for dinner in the cupboard.

Mel is the Producer of The Vic McCarty show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com.

All I wanna do

Recently I was reading about how Sheryl Crow told the public she had a brain tumor.  I was shocked and stunned.  I was (shockingly) not by a computer so I didn't know the full gist of the story, my heart sank, thinking she had a recurrance or a new cancer.

I searched online and read this article  about her brain tumor.  Fortunately it is benign.  Unfortunately it is causing memory loss.  The writer of this article joked: "Man, if we ever forgot any Sheryl Crow songs, we’re gonna to start freaking out. Doctors should start including “Crow forgetfulness” in the list of benign brain tumor symptoms. If you can’t at least get through the chorus of “My Favorite Mistake,” straight to the MRI machine you go!"


Ha freaking Ha...

It is one thing for a person with memory issues to make fun of themselves, its a whole other ballgame if someone else does it.

I have chemobrain, cognitive memory issues caused by the chemo I took because of my cancer.

It sucks.

Ok I know I am not a grammy winning songwriter with millions of fans, and while making light of Crow's situation may be funny for Halle Keifer (and for the record, I have no idea if she has ever had cancer or what her relationship with cancer is) it strikes a deep nerve with me.

It's hard knowing what you want to say without being able to say it.  To visualize an object or place in your mind when you are wanting it, say a pen or want someone to get something out of, for example, the kitchen.

When I meet people I don't know, which I often do, I hope I don't forget the name of my friend with me, which has happened on occasion.

Or if the grocery store clerk asks if you want paper or plastic and you stare at her blankly, knowing the answer but not being able to verbalize it.

Or being on a live radio show, trying to explain something to the host on air only to speak in either gibberish or fight for the right thought.

My friends understand, its one of those side effects that I have, they know if they ask me a question and it takes me a minute its not because I am slow, or stupid.

It is chemobrain.

It sucks.

It isn't funny.

Try to remember that, Halle Keifer, next time you write an article about someone with a serious condition.

I may not recall everything Halle, but I will remember YOUR name...



Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com
Also available on Itunes.

Whatever gets you through the day....

Recently I was interviewed on a radio show to talk about how positivity kept me going during my treatment and survivorship. Like most survivors, I assume, I got through it using whatever I could to get me through the day. Humor, sports (mainly hockey) movies, friends, etc all that got me through. I am positive I would say 98% of the time (look out if you are around me for that dreaded 2%.)

I stay positive even though it seems like I have a hard time remembering things. Leave it to me again to acquire side effects after chemo. This is particularly hard for me because my memory is usually sharp as a tack. Now when some people ask me questions, even just the simplest ones I struggle to find the answer. My doc says that this will go away in time, ah yes this too shall pass.I know, a war was waged in my body and I fought and won, and this is all collateral damage from the drugs that were used to kill the cancer. I guess the hardest part is that look that people give you when you are searching for the answer to a simple question, and, if the person doesn't know you, they look at you like you are stupid.

This is part of the new me, for now. It is frustrating, and difficult, but I know, slowly I am getting back to normal, or as close as I can get to the old me.

So I stay positive, still, even though I see friends of mine and can't remember their names for the life of me, and trivia, which used to come to me like a breeze is missing from the computer in my brain. How can I stay positive? I don't know. I guess I don't know any other way to be.

Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Dear Cancer...

I started thinking about this on the eve of an oncology appointment.  If cancer was here, in this room, what I would say to it.

Dear  Cancer,

I go between being really pissed at you and being grateful.  Pissed?  You are wondering why I am pissed at you?  You stole almost two years from me,  where instead of having surgeries, chemo, radiation, nausea, constipation, insomnia, anger, having my pee turn red, having mouth sores, being bald, not being able to work as much as I used to when I should have been playing hockey, riding my bike, being outside enjoying the weather, not being so fucking tired I wanted to sleep, then not being able to sleep because of insomnia, making dinner then not being able to eat because I felt like shit.

You make it hard for me to think, because of chemobrain.  I used to know the answers to things, but some days I just struggle to put sentences together. 

I have scars, both emotional and physical because of you. You made it hard for me to look at myself for the longest time, that has passed, but I am still angry about it.

You are the reason my friend Nick Corea is no longer here.  You took him from us too soon.  I still remember that day when I found out he was gone.  It was like it was yesterday.  You robbed the world of a great man.  For that you will never be forgiven.


You wonder why I am grateful?  I am not grateful for you, lets make that clear.  I am grateful that I found you early, early enough to get treatment to stop you.  I am grateful that I found strength that I never knew I had, Grateful that I have an awesome support system of friends, family and co-workers.  The medical staff that I had was the best anyone could ask for.

Grateful I found a voice not only for myself, but because of you, I can speak for those who can't, who are too afraid, too sick, too weak or just too afraid.

Grateful for the network of people that I have found who hate you as much as I do.  Who want to eradicate you as much as I do.

Grateful I have found a purpose.  Ha, you think you did all this for me?  I realized strength and determination was in me all along, it just took something as vile as you to bring it to the surface.

Now you can leave.  You can leave all my friends alone.  You can leave people I never met alone.  You can go away.  Never come back.


If you do the last five things I ask I will be eternally grateful.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now, and also available on itunes

The only constant is change

It has been an exciting few weeks. I just started a new job. I am still producing the Vic McCarty Show. I am also producing a new show for a new internet radio network empoweradio.com. The Maria Shaw show is the new show I am producing. I finally feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I obviously felt that during The Vic McCarty show, but now that I am solely producing radio I am very happy. I am not on air during Maria's show, which is just fine with me, I love being Vic's comic foil on the Vic McCarty show and championing the causes that I believe in.

I am slowly feeling like myself again. The vitamin D deficiency put a dent in my plans to get back to the "new normal." I am still having problems with what is referred to as "Chemo brain." This is very hard for me. Before cancer I was always on top of my game, I could remember peoples names and faces, and now sometimes I still struggle to get words out. I know that when I get tired it aggrivates my lack of focus, and I was pretty tired today. I was ready for a nap at 11:30 in the morning, and of course since I work full time I don't think my employer would appreciate me taking a snooze in the middle of a radio show, it wouldn't make for a good program that is for sure.

It gets frustrating to take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Sometimes I feel like I am playing some game of monopoly. Some days I own all the hotels and I am winning the game, some days I do not pass go, do not collect $200.00.

Listen to me on The Vic McCarty Show weekdays 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Listen to the show I produce The Maria Shaw Shows weekdays noon-three eastern time on empoweradio.com

PUSH

Last week I went out with a couple of friends of mine for a day trip.  We went just a couple hours away to just have lunch, go shopping, girls day out. 

I have new hours at work.  I start work at 5:45am and work until noon, sometimes later on during the day.  I should go to bed early, but being a night owl is hard to give up.  I just can't get my ass in bed before 11pm on most nights.

So back to the trip.  It was a great day with friends. Started out about 10am and we got back home around 5 or 6pm.  Great food, a lot of laughs and some shopping thrown in there.

I didn't realize how much the trip to a town just an hour and a half away would wipe me out.  I didn't drive.  I have to ride up front, if I sit in the back seat I get car sick.  Always asking to sit in the front seat is a little embarrassing for me, but it beats the alternative.   Chemo made tolerance for that worse.

When I got home I had that fatigued feeling.  The same feeling I got when I was going through chemo, that tired worn out feeling.

Now being a 3 year survivor I would have thought that feeling like that would be gone.  But no, it isn't.

Being a cancer survivor is hard sometimes.  You do things you did before you had cancer, expecting it to be what it was like before, sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. 

This time it was not.  The fatigue I felt felt exactly like chemo fatigue.  Feelings like that can bring you right back to a particular moment.

Remembering how shitty you felt, or looked.

Even after playing hockey this season, even after the two times a week pilates session I did in addition to the hockey.

I still have times when I feel like that.

I hate that.

I have to remember that it still takes time to heal from cancer, even after three years.

I have to remember that I still have to push myself sometimes to get back to where I was before.

Or push myself past that, to be better than I was.

That is the place I want to be.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

MELATHON

Another guest blogger.  Enjoy

Mel was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer on 9/18/07. Because of her employment, she was and is still not eligible for full health care coverage. Mel was only able to get some very basic coverage at her own expense. The result, she owes the hospital and doctors over $20,000. She has only been able to make small payments against this large debt. Now, the wolves are at her door, calling, process serving letters etc, wanting it all now. The only way she will be able to do this now, is to declare bankruptcy!


We were working in the radio station this past Friday. She told me a process server came by this week with papers, she started to cry. She said, "My docs, they will not get a penny if I go bankrupt, my doctors have become my friends, they saved my life, how can I do that to them?"



Mel has turned her life over to helping people cope with cancer issues. Those of us friends and co-workers who know Mel, know that she is a tireless advocate for cancer awareness and never complains about her personal situation. She is always fun and upbeat and likes to bring joy into peoples lives, because she has her life back. As one of her friends, it is my hope, that all of us together can chip in to help her out now. It is impossible for her to raise this kind of money in a short time.



We were thinking about doing a local fundraiser for her in the Spring, but now there is no more time.


As one of her friends, I'm begging you to forgo those pizzas this month....or that elegant dinner for two you were planning, No gift is too big or to small. Please help our friend Mel Majoros, who has helped so many. Please be as generous as you can. $20,000 plus is a lot of money to one person, but not to the hundreds of us who care about Mel. We can do it!



Please send your gift to: Mel Majoros

Po Box 148

Petoskey, MI 49770



Please make sure that your check is made payable to: "Mel Majoros"



Do not include the words cancer appeal or fund in the payable line. However, you can put that in your memo section if you wish.



Also, if it is easier for you to Paypal your gift,

you can send it to: thecancerwarrior@gmail.com, or click on the paypal link at the top of this blog




Feel free to repost this on your personal Facebook page or blog with your own personal appeal.





Brian E. Brachel is the Chief Engineer for MacDonald Garber Broadcasting and the General Manager of Baraga Broadcasting, Catholic Radio for Northern Michigan.  You can contact him at
Brian.Brachel@106khq.com


Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live 10am-noon Monday-Friday eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand now and also available on itunes.

Can't Find Your Words? Say Chemo Brain.

Another guest blogger

By Idelle Davidson

You know it's just on the tip of your tongue.  It's a word that has a "ka" sound in the beginning and a "tah" sound somewhere at the end.  And you can almost see it, but then darn, it's gone.  Perhaps later, when you're rushing to slap dinner on the table, that stupid word, so maddeningly elusive just hours before will pop right into your head, as if it were all just some silly misunderstanding between you and your brain.

I'm guessing that if you've had chemo and have experienced the fog that often follows, then you know what I'm talking about, right?  It's not that you can't comprehend language, it's that you can't retrieve it.  It's like the arcade game where you maneuver levers to grab a prize.  You just can't get the prongs low enough or tight enough around that plastic key chain before it slips away.

In a 2006 study of the side effects experienced by 26 women undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer, language (including fluency, verbal repetition, reading, and writing to dictation) was the most severely affected cognitive function, followed by memory. (Source: F. Downie, Psycho-Oncology 15 -2006: 921-930).  That's not entirely surprising considering that chemotherapy not only may affect language but the speed in which we process information.

One woman I interviewed for "Your Brain After Chemo" had this to say: "It is painful when people look at me with confusion while I am trying to talk.  I know that I'm not making sense, and I don't know how else to talk.  When it happens I die a million deaths and feel very dumb."    

Have you experienced word retrieval problems during or following chemotherapy?  Have you found ways to compensate?  If so, please share what has worked for you.

Bio: Idelle Davidson is an award-winning journalist, a cancer survivor, and co-author (with Dr. Dan Silverman at UCLA) of YOUR BRAIN AFTER CHEMO: A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO LIFTING THE FOG AND GETTING BACK YOUR FOCUS (available in bookstores and on Amazon.com). http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-after-Chemo-Practical/dp/0738212598].

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast available on demand now on itunes and empoweradio.com