Flip the switch

I had an appointment with the doctor the other day.  My general practioner.  Regular checkup.  My doc always asks about my meds, my moods.  Told her sometimes I feel down. Yeah I get depressed.

Sometimes I can snap out of it pretty easily, sometimes I can't.

This was one of those times I couldn't.

I wish I could figure out what brings my mood down.

Some days it seems like it comes out of nowhere, and suddenly I am deeply entrenched in emotions that make no sense to me, but sometimes they do.

It can come in waves, like one moment I am fine the next I am not.

Its worse when your alone, or at night, when there is nothing but your own thoughts surrounding you.

I guess its no wonder that it is hard for me to fall asleep because when I feel this way all I do is think about the things that bother me, or what is upsetting me.

The thing that really gets to me is how I can be fine, then just feel totally steeped in it.

Its inexplicable really, unless you have been there, and if you are reading this I hope you never have been.

I recall one of the times that I felt the worst was right before the carcinista had passed.  That was end of April early May of this year.  I was at a friends house apologizing for the way I had acted, another wonderful thing about this mental condition of mine, I have a tendency to lash out at people that I care about, do and say shit that is totally out of character for me.  I don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but I know I was in a dark place and I felt utterly lost.

Its not something you can just snap out of.

So I try to make sense of it all. Figure out what gets me down.

Ultimately I have no idea.

Right now I am feeling pretty fucking good, and man I love this feeling,

The feeling I had before cancer, before Sept 18, 2007.

Then I wonder when my brain chemistry is going to go askew and flip that switch.

Lyrics from Pink's song Perfect:

You're so mean, 
When you talk, about yourself,
 you were wrong, 
Change the voices in your head
make them like you instead  


If only it was as easy as the song makes it out to be.

I will continue on the fight against my own mind, when the depression hits, when the switch is flipped, I gotta find the right trigger to put it back.

Until then I will continue to advocate, blog about it,try to destigmatize it.

That's the only thing I can do.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Fractured

I have an oncology appointment next week.   I think it has been at least six months since my last one.  I am wondering if I should be more nervous than I am.  Haven't really had any scanxiety for the last few visits, but I have as I have written about before dealing with depression. 

I was wondering when my slow spiraling descent downward  started.  Blogging is a good way for me to remind myself of what has happened to me before, during and after treatment.

I think it started 7 months ago, I wrote a blog called Outbreak, about how I was dealing with 4 instances of cancer with deaths, recurrances and a good friends memorial service. I am really surprised that I didn't see it coming.  I knew I was upset at that point, but to get to where I got a few weeks ago was very slow.  Add the fact that more people passed from cancer that I had met in person or online (Mandi Schwartz, Sara Feather) its not surprising I was an emotional trainwreck.

I tend to ignore the signs, because I think I can handle it.  We all think that don't we? Doesn't matter what life throws at you, the saying goes if God brings you to it He will bring you through it, or something like that.  Apparently in my case not without prescription medication.

I believe that the hockey season kept me from going into a quicker downward descent.  Extreme physical exercise and being back on the ice after so long felt so good.  But it didn't and couldn't help everything that was going on in my head.  

Great, my body tries to kill me, I survive that, then my mind turns on me too.  I really don't want to ask what could possibly be next, because cancer was scary, not being in control of my thoughts and moods was even scarier.  

I feel bad for some people that I hurt.  I have apologized, they accepted.  But still.  To not be yourself for so long and to not see it, and have the changes be so minute that others don't notice it as well?

I got mad at a friend of mine for a stupid reason. It wasn't just mad.  There were some days that I couldn't stand being in the same room.  I believe because I was in that place and I was mad at her I unwittingly channeled my negative energy and anger towards her.  Unfortunately for her she was an easy target.  

I didn't realize this until after The Carcinista passed away.  I was consumed by anger and depression and I didn't see it for months. Or I ignored it, thinking it was nothing and it would go away.

After recording The Carcinista's interview I texted my friend:  I am thinking we should get together next week and talk in person and hash out this issue we have...  I was coming off of a cold and I didn't want to spread germs to anyone else.  She agreed, she had the same idea in mind.

May 3rd was when we agreed to meet.  Looking back at that day and that talk I had with her I was then end of my emotional rope, with no knot to tie on the end.  I really don't recall what was said in the conversation (part depression, part chemobrain)  wasn't sure I still wanted to be friends and left.

Then I found out that Sarah had passed.  

Its amazing what it takes to make you realize whats important. For so long you can obsess about the stupidest shit possible and be pissed and then something like that smacks reality back into your life.  Again I texted (my preferred mode of conversation these days) my friend.  Told her that life is too short for this BS.  Told her about the carcinista, well not everything, just that a friend had passed, and that I needed time.

Eventually we sorted everything out.  I can't say if things will be back to where they were.   Only time will tell.  But I do realize now that I have to be more mindful of myself and get pissed or sad at a non response to a text or an unreturned email. (yeah that was some of the stuff that bugged me, SERIOUSLY!!)  Getting upset at an unreturned text?  Still wonder why I didn't see this coming.  Must have been the lack of neuro-epi seritonin or whatever chemicals in my brain are over or under used.  

It took a while but I figured it out.  Only took about 7 months.  Never thought I was that slow of a learner.

Jean Paul Sartre said  Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The Carcinista figured it out.  I am envisioning her smiling down upon me.  

Happy that I finally figured it out too.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Drowning in your own thoughts

May is mental health awareness month.  I find it ironic that I asked my doctor to up my anti depressant dosage during this month.  Things have been in a downward spiral for about a month.  I can't put my finger on what the trigger was for it.  Just stress I guess.

I should be happy!  I survived cancer.

Kicked its ass actually, and continue to kick it with my advocacy.

Then why am I so damned depressed?

Freedictionary defines depression as: Psychology A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression

Great.  I survived cancer now I have a psychiatric disorder.

It's not really that uncommon for cancer survivors to be depressed.  I don't have exact numbers or graphs or charts but I know I am not the only one.

Although sometimes it feels that way.

I know I have been avoiding dealing with this for some time.  I'm supposed to be strong right?  I'm the one people lean on.  A friend of mine told me that he doesn't know how I can deal with everything I deal with, that I must have armadillo skin.

The signs were all there.  Avoidance, sadness, loss of interest etc.  I chose to ignore them, or maybe I thought it was different this time.

I was wrong.

Its hard to explain to someone who doesn't deal with this what its like.  It sucks because its not something you can control.

I tried to explain to a friend of mine about this.  I said I was dealing with this depression, and that it wasn't going to be easy dealing with me, that I may get upset or angry for no reason.  She said she understood.
But I could tell she really didn't.

Trying to explain to someone what this feels like is like shooting rubberbands at the stars.  You can try but it wont reach.  Unless you have know what this feels like its hard to explain.

Your head tells you one thing that your heart knows isn't true:
No one else feels like this, no one can help me, I feel lost.

Obviously none of those are true, but when you are within that moment, drowning in a sea of your own thoughts that is what it feels like.

Depression can handcuff you too.  Makes it hard to do your job and live your life.  Sometimes its a struggle just to make it through the day without wanting to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, or feel like you are on pins and needles the whole day.

The passing of The Carcinista was a definitely a huge blow.  I am not even sure how I got through that week at work.

So if you saw me the first week of May I wasn't myself.
Realizing that was hard.

Asking for help was harder.

I know I am taking steps in the right direction to get back on track, back to myself.
It could be a slow process, or a quick one.

Either way I am glad I know I am getting better.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Mind over Matter

I had that exam (that I blogged about in my previous blog) today, and another ultrasound.  Still looked like the moon, but at least this time the doctor explained what I was looking at.  These aren't the kind of exams that you look forward to, well then again what exams are?  I haven't heard of anyone I know looking forward to a pap test or any other kind of similar test.  The doctor put me at ease right away.  He said he hoped that I spoke to him after this procedure. Apparently I have a uterine polyp.  The doctor asked what I should name it. Trying to make me laugh.  That is a good one, usually I am the one who is the class clown. I named it Fred.  Don't ask me why.

Then came the biopsy.  Now the whole exam, biopsy and part where they keep you there so you don't pass out lasted about an hour. Now I am not going to tell you what the procedure entailed, but I can tell you this: When you are actually having a procedure done time stands still.  I know it didn't take that long because I brought my ipod.  Something to focus on while they are doing whatever they need to do and getting whatever they need to get.  It only took about 3 songs for the biopsy to be done. It was pretty painful.  At one point I recall making a fist and really wanting to punch someone. When the doc was over I asked him if he was going to insert any other major appliances in there.  He and his nurse laughed.

Then they make you lie down so you don't have a vasovagal episode.  Medical term for passing out. So I laid there. Got thirsty asked for water.  Got water. Lights were bright.  Nurse turned the lights off.  Ok.  after a little while I decided I wanted to go.  Got up started to get dressed.  I am not sure if the room spun or if I did but I decided it was a good idea to lay back down.  Nurse comes back in.  Told her I got dizzy.  Raised the seat up so I would be sitting, she thought that was a good idea, that would make it so I would be less dizzy.  Sat there for a while.  Now during all this time my radio show was going on and I was missing it.  I do have a puritan work ethic, I don't like missing work, but obviously this was an important reason to miss it.

So there I sat.  Waiting for my dizziness to subside.  I looked at my watch and it said 11:15.

I actually thought to myself. "This is bullshit.  I am a cancer survivor and a hockey player.  I need to suck it up and go." 

I finished getting dressed.  Opened the door.  The doctor and I exchanged pleasantries, he said I looked good standing up.  Funny guy.

He said not to be too concerned about the polyp.  He didn't think it was cancer.  Ha, I have heard that one before.

I don't feel as nervous as I did before I had the test.  I am cautiously optimistic that Fred is benign.

Results will be in in a few days.

Again I wait.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-Noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com.

Check out my podcast available on demand now on Empoweradio.com and on itunes.

Keeping your Mind and Body Healthy

Another guest blog.  Enjoy

Everyone knows the basics: Eat Right. Exercise often. Don’t walk through fields of radioactive dust, or dance in acid rain. The following 7 suggestions are great new ideas to keep your chin up, stay healthy and live life to the fullest.


1. Write. This isn’t writing an email to your boss. This is deep, soul searching and honest writing. When you face a stressful situation, particularly a difficult decision, write. Putting thoughts on paper helps you work it out, which reduces stress, thereby increasing your health.



2. Go to a comedy club, an improvisation group, or an Off-Broadway comedy. The laughter, with the socialization and environment will do your body and mind a world of good.



3. Go Shopping, but not for yourself. Instead, pick a friend. Think about them and where they are in life. Consider their needs and desires. Go out and buy them something amazing. Then give it to them anonymously. It will feel great, especially if you are asked to help figure out who it was.


4. Go Curling. Curling is a crazy sport, with strange and unusual rules. Not only is it entertaining, but it is also a great physical activity, and provides social interaction, too!


5. Restock your first aid kit. You never know when you’ll need another dozen alcohol pads and that giant knee bandage you used last summer. This allows you to take stock of where you are, and be more prepared in the future.


6. Dance. Whether it is a partner dance like ballroom or square dancing, or an individual dance like hip hop or belly dancing, these activities are physically amazing, and increase self esteem as well.



7. Make a list of 10 things you’ve always wanted to do. Set these as goals, and find ways to work toward them. Making and achieving goals is crucial to living happily.

 About the guest blogger:

We've got everything you need to know about arthritis. But if there is a question unanswered, send us an email and we will answer your question to the best of our knowledge, or at least will give you the resources to help you reach your goal. We are a group of caregivers whose family members are suffering from arthritis. This condition is a very common disease and has caused much distress to their victims. Nearly 1 in 5 adults have some form of arthritis. That's 46 million Americans affected. Americans age 65 and over are most likely at risk, but two-thirds of the cases are under 65. Women are more at risk than men. Please help us spread the word for prevention.

matthewr.chan@yahoo.com


Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show 10am-Noon Monday-Friday eastern standard time.  Listen live on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior available on demand now on Empoweradio.com