Flip the switch

I had an appointment with the doctor the other day.  My general practioner.  Regular checkup.  My doc always asks about my meds, my moods.  Told her sometimes I feel down. Yeah I get depressed.

Sometimes I can snap out of it pretty easily, sometimes I can't.

This was one of those times I couldn't.

I wish I could figure out what brings my mood down.

Some days it seems like it comes out of nowhere, and suddenly I am deeply entrenched in emotions that make no sense to me, but sometimes they do.

It can come in waves, like one moment I am fine the next I am not.

Its worse when your alone, or at night, when there is nothing but your own thoughts surrounding you.

I guess its no wonder that it is hard for me to fall asleep because when I feel this way all I do is think about the things that bother me, or what is upsetting me.

The thing that really gets to me is how I can be fine, then just feel totally steeped in it.

Its inexplicable really, unless you have been there, and if you are reading this I hope you never have been.

I recall one of the times that I felt the worst was right before the carcinista had passed.  That was end of April early May of this year.  I was at a friends house apologizing for the way I had acted, another wonderful thing about this mental condition of mine, I have a tendency to lash out at people that I care about, do and say shit that is totally out of character for me.  I don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but I know I was in a dark place and I felt utterly lost.

Its not something you can just snap out of.

So I try to make sense of it all. Figure out what gets me down.

Ultimately I have no idea.

Right now I am feeling pretty fucking good, and man I love this feeling,

The feeling I had before cancer, before Sept 18, 2007.

Then I wonder when my brain chemistry is going to go askew and flip that switch.

Lyrics from Pink's song Perfect:

You're so mean, 
When you talk, about yourself,
 you were wrong, 
Change the voices in your head
make them like you instead  


If only it was as easy as the song makes it out to be.

I will continue on the fight against my own mind, when the depression hits, when the switch is flipped, I gotta find the right trigger to put it back.

Until then I will continue to advocate, blog about it,try to destigmatize it.

That's the only thing I can do.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Celebration???

September 18th I will celebrate 4 years of being cancer free.

Most people go by the date they were diagnosed.

I always get more introspective closer to the date of my diagnosis.  I read old blog posts of mine, sometimes not believing how far I have come, and yet still how far I have to go.

Does anyone else find it strange that we celebrate a day that changed everything?

Don't get me wrong.  I am grateful for early detection.  For my doctors.  For the planets aligning for everything to have gone well so far.  I am grateful to God.

But celebrate a day that started out great and ended in a way I could not imagine.  In a way that changed my life forever?  In some good ways, in some bad.

Coming up on four years cancer free.  I am grateful I am here, and fighting the fight.

I am not celebrating the fact I had cancer.

I am celebrating the fact I found it in time, and that I am here, and that my doctors are, in my eyes, rockstars.

So if you see me with a sly grin you will know why.

Suck on that cancer.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

The art of language

Everything has its own language.  For example, if you were to sit down next to me and I started talking about hockey and you had no idea what a shot on goal, PIM, one timer was, you would think, what the hell is she talking about.

Language, words.  Everybody has a hobby or a job that has its own language or terminology.  My friend owns a pilates studio. Before I started taking pilates you told me well today we are getting on the cadillac and doing the one hundred, then we will do the tree and the elephant.  I would think wait, we are getting in a car and what going to the zoo.  ( I haven't done pilates in a while but I know you cant do the elephant on the cadillac, or at least I am pretty sure) 

Another friend of mine chemobabe is a math professor.  That has its own language too.  If someone came up to me and started talking about word problems, fractions or pi my eyes would start to glaze over and I wouldn't understand what they are talking about.  (Did I tell you I totally sucked at math in high school?)

Language. 

There is a language I have learned that I wish I didn't know.  The language of cancer.  The medical terminology that comes with being a cancer patient/survivor.  I can talk at lengths about zofran, chemobrain, side effects of herceptin, adrymicin.  Tell you how good Biafine felt after radiation. Talk about muga scans, ct scans, insomnia, constipation.  Tell you how it sucks when I get depressed. Language.

I hate knowing that language.  I wish I was blissfully ignorant of terms like chemo fatigue, neuropathy & left ventricle ejection fraction.

But I know them. 

As cancer survivors we all know them.  Unfortunately it is not like a foreign language where you get a semester to learn what everything means.  You are essentially tossed off the boat into the ocean, where you have to swim and figure this shit out either on your own, or with the help of friends, family and the internet.

Fortunately there are enough of us out there to help if you find yourself stuck in that ocean.  The sea of words.

I'll be around to toss you a life preserver and help you out.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Cruising for the Cure

I am on the board of directors for  Cruising for the Cure, a classic wooden boat show to benefit pancreatic cancer research.

I don't know much about boats.  I know I like to take photographs of them.  I am not a boat geek like the other board members of CFTC.  Truth be told I get nauseous if I sit in the back seat of a car.  That has gotten worse after cancer, and even though I grew up 10 minutes away from a lake I only learned how to swim about 5 or 6 years ago.

I don't think I told the other board members about that...

I have been involved with this organization for 3 years now.  I love to go out and advocate in public.  I love to see where, in even a small way, I have made a difference.

The boat show came at a perfect time for me.  I have written extensively about my battle with depression.  If my friends haven't read this blog they don't know how hard it has been in the last couple of weeks.  I am not sure why that is, stress of everyday life.  Maybe because I started a second job to help pay the bills.  Either way it has been a rough few weeks.

We had a silent auction on Friday, and the boat show/parade was on Saturday.  Both days were picture perfect.  The last 2 years I didn't ride in the parade, I didn't have any dramamine, and I would rather not get sick in a classic wooden boat. This year I bought some in the hopes I would be able to ride.

And I did.

I was introduced to Suzie and Bob Davies who own the boat Tango.  Suzie is on the board of directors for a local cancer charity.  It was a good fit.

We cruised around all of Torch Lake in the parade.  It felt great to be outside in the sun, with the wind in my hair and the occasionally splash of water from the lake.

I understood why Jane Thie loved boats, and why she loved that lake.

If every cancer survivor could experience that feeling, that would be awesome.


A lake carries you into recesses of feeling otherwise impenetrable.  ~William Wordsworth


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.
 

'Cause I love that dirty water....

Photo above by Jessica Rinaldi/Reuters

Boston.  Everyone's city. At least after the Boston Marathon bombings on April 15th.

I went to college in Boston.  Spent 4 amazing years there.

I grew up in a small town in New Hampshire.  Wasn't the sports nut that I am now, but we would watch the Celtics (back when Larry Bird was THE man), we would all watch the Pats on Sunday.  God they were terrible, but you would keep watching them every Sunday, no matter how much they disappointed you.  It's the Patriots, its YOUR team.

Growing up where the country was started was a pretty amazing experience.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I realize it now, how special it is.  Having all that history, all that culture.  Everything started where you live. You don't think about it when you are a kid.  But when you are older, you realize growing up where our country started, in one of the 13 colonies, is pretty cool.

Ok I grew up in New Hampshire, 2 hours away from Boston. 

I didn't really care about high school.  Looking back I should have done better.  I am smart, but in school people compare you to your siblings, and my brother, 1 grade ahead of me, was class valedictorian.  So I would inevitably get compared to him.  So why should I try if I was always going to be compared to.  Not really a fair thing for teachers to do to a kid.

So I graduated somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Television always interested me so I applied to Newbury Junior College (It's now a 4 year college)  I figured I would get an associates degree and if I liked what I was doing then I would go on to Emerson.

College in Boston.  Our dorms were in Back Bay, on Comm ave, just 5 blocks from the Common. 

I loved going to school there. Finally, in a place full of misfits, I fit in.  It was great.

Patriot's Day.

I heard on the radio there were explosions near the finish line.

I wasn't able to get to a TV until about an hour later and then I saw the images, the videos.

The horror.

Terrorists had placed improvised explosive devices (IEDs) in the crowd at the finish line.  Several hundred people were injured.  3 people would eventually die from their injuries.

The first marathon I experienced was in 1989.  I still remember the hallway of our dorm had boston marathon signs that we had taken.  Signs that were discarded after the marathon.

The marathon was hot that year,  I remember because my friend Sabrina and I walked around and being around all those people and the heat made it even more hot.  It was a fun experience, but I am not a runner, and it is something you should experience at least once, because Boston is THE marathon to run in.

The terrorists took a lot that day, from the people of Boston, and from me they took a little bit of the innocence of the city from me. 
 
It depressed me.  I know the tragedy of it all depressed a lot of people, I get that, but when you are so familiar with a place, when, even though you haven't been there for almost 20 years you are still part of the city.  I think every past college student who studied in Boston knows what I am talking about.  You picture taking money out of that ATM,taking photos of the John Hancock building, walking home buzzed from a party with your roommate. 

I felt incredibly lost and helpless.

4 days.

That's all it took.

4 days to find the people responsible.  Ironically in my college roomate's hometown.  Crazy how small this world is.

I remember when they caught him I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

I was sad for a city that I hadn't been to in almost 20 years, a city that I have so many fond memories of, I city that will always have a place in my heart.

Big Papi said it in a speech at Fenway:   This is our Fucking city....

Yeah it still is.

It's a Boston thing, you probably wouldn't understand.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand, on Itunes, stitcher radio, Tune In radio, Roku and on the Podcasts app on your iphone

Help me pay it forward

If you are a subscriber to this blog, or just an avid reader of it you know that what I do is not for myself.  I do what I do, my podcast, my blog, speaking etc. to help others.  Its what I love to do is pay it forward.

So I am fundraising, Something I am admittedly terrible at, for a good cause, the Stupid Cancer organization, also known as I2Y or  the I'm too Young for this Foundation.  Yes I have written praises about the group several times before, something I only do if I believe in an organization.

When I was going through treatment I responded to a post requesting guest bloggers.  I guess Matt Zachary, the founder, liked my snarkyness because I was one of the bloggers that he picked.  Ultimately Matt and the organization  helped me find my voice through writing, which eventually led to my podcast. 

So I sing nothing but praises for Stupid Cancer (well not literally, no one wants to hear me sing.)

I was fortunate to go to the OMG stupid cancer summit in NYC last year, and even blogged about it on here. 

It was an amazing event.

Lifechanging.

Now I am asking for your help. 

I know times are tough. 

The economy sucks.

I was just at coinstar the other day cashing in the coins I had saved from my part time barista job.

But consider this:

A minimum tax deductible donation of $10 will help change a young adult survivors life. 

$10 bucks.. You could skip two lattes this week.  You wont miss it, and you will pay it forward

Someone like me, who felt so lost, so alone, thinking why did I get cancer?  Isn't this some old person's disease?

Its not a disease for someone who is healthy, athletic and in the prime of their life.

Sadlly though, it was.

Please donate to my fundraising page. 

Help me help others

Pay it forward.

No one should ever face cancer alone.

With your help, no one will.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.